Love For Allah(s.w.t)

Bismilahi Rahmani Raheem,

As-salamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatuhu,

Its 23:39pm and its a few minutes to my bed time, still haven't prayed isha because i was drying my not so long hair for sooooooo long..... but yea i feel like blogging i might not be going 2 bed early and am having the weirdest feeling ever guess? i feel like studying can you believe it, i don't know but the thought of doing an all night study today will not be bad idea because am in the mood, plus if i stay up all night tonight i might as well have my sahur on time and pray tahajud(night prayer) for the other part of the night.. But i also have a feeling its waswas (whispering of Satan), to make me stay all night and waste my time tonight and probably lead to me getting tierd few hours before fajr and then i'll probably have one of my short naps(as i tell my self) and then i end up snoozing till sabuh(morning), argh and then I'll rush my prayers and get angry at my self, and then I'll try to console my self y sleeping back and then I'll end up sleeping ALL DAY!!! OK so i think I'll go with the sleeping now even though i know i might be din lots of sleeping tomorrow..:(, am soooo lazy i need to get busy my exams are in less than a month and that just freaks me......

I was listening to an audio lecture this morning as i was losing my braids, it was talking about how to get the love of Allah in our hearths, i want that so badly like seriously i want to love Allah more than anything and everything, the sheik said we must first have to clear our hearths of the love of the dun ya.. so now my question is HOW????? I was thinking to do that but i realized its very complicated like me, my exams on the way is just something else....and basically am thinking how can i do that, do i just stay in my room on my prayer mat and pray and pray and pray and read the Quran and read and read and do dhikr (even though i really don't know how to do it)...its really really hard but yet so essential in my life.

I wish i could clear my heart and take out all the bad things I know and all the distractions of this world, all the hate and everything that clouds it..... I think what i lack is what makes me really complicated.

Yesterday as i was reading surah Al-Mulk before I went to bed, thoughts started to flood into my head and i was whipping like a baby, I was just thinking of how favoured I am by Allah(s.w.t), I am so blessed Alhamdulilah, i have basically everything i want and can still gt anything i want, seriously blessed Alahmdulilah, and what made me cry was how so ungrateful i am about it, I personally know allot of people that will die to be in my shoes but i take all of it for granted, I was just thinking about what life would be without the favour i had and it made me cry even more, I was thinking about my parent how life would be if i lose their love.... and basically this all brought me to the conclusion of how dunyaly engrossed i am, sad! I really am looking for a change in my self, I want to be amongst the people of Taqwa(piety), I want to be so close to Allah and love Him more than anything and everything(as i said above), I want to rectify my hard, i really do so much, i pray 5x a day, pray the sunnah, do the nafls, fast every Mondays and Thursdays, go to the masjid frequently, read my Quran daily, go for Islamic gatherings and so many(Alahamdulilah) but i still do not have that feeling i want to achieve I still feel their is something missing b/c between all this things i find it hard to lower my gaze(face book & others), i have male friends(back from my jahiliya days that i can not rid b/c they are so close) everything and all this things just make things so complicated for me and make me feel like am drowning, I cant seem to get a clear view on anything, its like am wearing tinted glasses that have been covered by dust, like looking into a mirror covered with steam.......

Alhamdulilah am grateful for all and I am not complaining, am just putting my thoughts into words and trying to express my self....

It is getting to late i need to go pray and i have finally made up mind to go to bed, so inshAllah i need you lot to give me advice, make Dua for me and anything you can think of!!

Ma-salaam.

xox